Young Writers Society

Hahaha, what the heck? This made me laugh. Like so hard. Oh wows.


This is....... Interesting. The chat speak is a little too much, and I doubt anyone will take you seriously ^^

But at least it made me laugh Really really really hard.

Cheers,
-Lena

*has come back to this*

Whoa, many new reviews.

Yes... but this one's pretty much done, bust. I'll take the webcam thing into consideration for if I do something like this later.

I really like the idea of having a webcam used here, but, like Snoink said, you'd have to break away from the strictly back and forth IM format. But I think that this could be really good if she gets up and moves away from the camera, you know, after she's been making faces or showing her something, and then doesn't come back, then the cam gets knocked over, and then allie sees something that ties it all in together. I think you could have a really good piece on your hands with some revision; this is a good idea, and especially creepy since you feel connected to someone when you're IMing, but couldn't do anything if something went truly, horribly wrong.

Good luck!

I don't think this really works , especially as a quiet horror piece. For one, the use of the chatroom makes your setting a lot less real. We don't really know who the characters are, whether they know each other or not, and so on.We just know what they're saying. And while dialogue can be a helpful clue as to who the charactes are, this dialogue does nothing. I've had conversations like this before, and nothing came out of it except that, a couple of days later, the person who wandered to that noise came online and I asked her what happened. End of story.

Before this can be truly horrific, we have to know more details. What is the nature of the noise? How do the characters know each other? Is it likely that they would disappear for twenty minutes on end?

And I know it's hard to do within this format -- getting realistic dialogue within the chat format without making it infodumpy is hard. But that's why I think you should break away from this format.

Hope that helps!

This was a good idea, having it in a chat room, but having allie68 getting all scared just because luv54 has left without saying goodbye is too over the top.

Maybe change it so that luv54 has a webcam, so allie68 can see that something freaky is happening?

If you carried on with this, added another chapter, this could probally work out to something great!

That wasn't too bad. The overload of chatspeak got to me after awhile, though.

Maybe when her friend gets nervous:

allie68 5:04 pm: ok I'm scared now. come back.

allie68 5:04 pm: sumthing happened... right?...

allie68 5:05 pm: oh noo...

allie68 5:06 pm: ha yeah right your just jk. come back....

(5:08 pm: luv54 has been disconnected due to inactivity)

allie68 5:08 pm: ok im calling 911

(5:09 pm: allie68 has signed off)

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yes, I changed it.

hey Aet...

I agree with the first post, you need to have a better meaning cuz people have done that to me on chat room.

Well, the not a lot of detail bit was on purpose, this takes place in a chat room after all.

I liked the basic story too, maybe I'll make another "chatroom" story like this...

I liked it and hope there is more. My advice to you is to add more detail.

Added a little "goodbye" message at the end.

(tis really Lavigne, btw. twas misspelled on purpose. this is chatroom, after all) HELP! AVRIL LAVGINE!

Dude.

Avril Lavgine (sp) ate luv54's head!

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks! Yeah, something about that was bugging me. I was paying attention to the time and details more. righto, I'l probably edit that a bit.

Edit: Done.

Okay, it's not bad, really. It has the potential to be something quiet good, actually. The thing is I think it needs to be a bit longer. And you need to have a better reason for her to freak out when luv54 doesn't come back.

I mean, what if it was someone she knew at the door, and they left in a hurry to go somewhere? luv54 could have just forgotten that she left allie68 hanging. I'm not saying that the guy at the door is a bad idea, but you have to work just a bit harder to justify why she would freak out like that. There needs to be a concrete reason that would directly point to the conclusion she reaches.

Also, the bit at the end where she types 911 doesn't really make sense. I could get that she's calling 911, but why would she type it? Yeah, just something to think about.

But overall it was a great piece and an absolutely perfect example of Quiet Horror. A little editing and it could be something very frightening indeed.


MM